Monday, March 07, 2005

Crocodile Balls

Get that damned cursor off me!
crayoncroc, originally uploaded by helskel.

here i sit. i can't think of anything funny right now. i decided
that what i wrote to your blog was hi-larious. i'm all petered out.
i am a bit tiddly after drinking a few beers. that must be the
national pastime here. that and cricket. it doesn't beat baseball
but it's a pretty good game all the same. here is the story of me and
channelle.
woke up quick, at about noon, just thought that i had to be in compton
soon. i gotta get drunk before the day begins, before my mamma starts
bitchin', about my friends.
i went to europe with some friends. we cruised around and saw some
some neat stuff. i ate the best indian food i've ever had in a town
called bath in england. the menu was in indian so we just pointed and
the proceeded to eat. it was marvelous. at some point we ended up in
edinburgh which is where i met channelle. i bet you didn't know that
swearing is ok on network tv here. they just said fuck. it's great.
more beer. i remember how we got there. train. also, my friend
chris and i were debating where to go next after london, edinburgh or
york. he wanted to go to york and i, edinburgh. we flipped a coin
and i won. i didn't like her when we first met, and i really didn't
like her friend. she was very quiet when i met her and i thought she
was stuck up. she didn't like me either. she thought that i was just
a loud stupid yankee. joke's on her i guess. i first decided that i
liked her when i asked her where she was going and she said a
bookstore. my dreamgirl. she decided she liked me when she busted me
and my friend corey belting out aretha's RESPECT. a match made in
heaven, or somewhere. she went to london and i went to glasgow. that
town (glasgow) is crap as far as i am concerned. like one big project
full of scots. belle & sebastian are one of the best bands ever
though. they are from glasgow, so i guess there is one good thing.
their first album is the best. we discovered that we would be in
ireland at the same time and we decided to meet up. the meeting was
good. the first night we were together i had some nasty lung infection
and found that the more i smoked, the better it felt. i smoked a lot.
we slept together in a single bed in the boy free zone of the hostel.
no clothes came off but i spent a lot of time in the bathroom
coughing up little wriggling things. we made out too. i guess if you
think about it. she's pretty gross. i was hacking up some nasty shit
and she was totally kissing me. uggh. her friend met up with us the
next day and we rented a car and drove around ireland. i drove the
car a bit and even managed to crash it into a wall. surprise
surprise. i must be the worst driver ever. i crash everything.
there is a saying that i've just learned. passion fingers. because
everything you touch, you fuck. the point that i realised that i
loved her was when we got out to look at the wreckage. she gave me a
kiss and smiled and said, "Don't do it again." she was smiling.
after our irish adventure we flew together (minus the friend. she had
flown out a little earlier.) to london. she missed her connection to
australia. she swears that she didn't hear the directions the
stewardess gave to the passengers to make the flight. i think she is
full of shit. i heard the directions quite clearly and failed to tell
her. for my efforts, i was rewarded with an airline paid for hotel
room and an extra night with a totally hot chick. i win. she flew
out the next day and i got to call and explain to her mother, who i
had obviously never met or spoken to, that i was the reason why her
beloved daughter was not going to be home when expected. yay me, yet
again. i'm always makin' friends with parents. i guess that's as
much as i have to say about that. we had many adventures with US
immigration and Australian immigration. channelle made sure to say no
when the US asked her if she was ever a prostitute or had ever dealt
drugs and i don't have TB in case anyone was wondering. we have been
married for four years now and the only reason for that i can think of
is that i must be seriously hot. i know that i have huge balls
because i keep ripping the crotch out of my underwear.

--Crocodile Balls the hands go 'Grrrrrrr'

7 comments:

nostradumass said...

i've heard part of this story before, but it's nice to hear crocodile balls' voice again. when are those fools coming back stateside?

Helskel said...

Yeah, good stuff.

I hope we soon get more from Mr. Balls.

Anonymous said...

that's the best shit ever! when are we gonna see more of this guy?

sleepybomb said...

jeesh! i do need to get out more, nothing exciting never happens around here. i miss the good old days, flying around the world getting wined, dined and wrecked!
gimme more so i can live, (if ever so slightly vicariously), thru you. . .
cool stuff!
m.a.

Nerveana said...

Not exactly Cinderella or even Cinderfella but it's a nice story.

Sweetheart said...

Sleepy: didn't you know, there never were good old days according to Ben Tripp - see today's entry on Nostradumass.

sleepybomb said...

oh yeah, but that was yesterday . . .