I don't know what just happened, but I am unable to refresh my 9news weather page for the 5th time this hour. I think the unthinkable has happened. The Internet has died! What will I do now? This cubicle I'm sitting in seems to have shrunk down to 3ft^3 without my 'window to the world.' North Korea must have launched. Aliens must have invaded. JC is back! Something serious must have occurred to have brought this devastation upon us! My God! The Humanity!
F5 still brings me nothing! Ooohh, my skin is beginning to crawl. Should I go pull the fire alarm? Should I dial 9-11 and tell them to send the SWAT cause I can't refresh drudge or slashdot? What should I do now? Am I gonna be forced to 'interact' with my coworkers now? What am I going to say to them? How will I know what they're feeling without IMood, emoticons, or Messenger status?
Am I even still human? Well, at least I can type this email to nowhere into the Draft folder of my Outlook. That's like the ticking clock in the puppy's basket......hmmmm yeah.
Ok, I'm still virtual. It's all gonna be ok. I'm sure there's Internet access at home still. I'll be able to outlive my physical boundaries there! If only I can hold out...
Ugh! Still no access. I can't send my losing chessmail to Cheese! He probably thinks some tragic accident has pinned me under a steel girder or that Al Quida has singled me and my blog out for a 500-year payback hit at the West. I won't go down quietly Cheese! I can take it! They won't make me talk! I've watched 24. I know every torture method in the books. I'm ready, cause I know Jack Bauer is gonna save me. He'll at least go poke his head in the server room. Don't worry Cheese, I'm ok! Cheese! Hear my telepathic IRC-like thought transmissions, close those annoying pop-ups coming from my Id, and notice the message warning flashing in your eyes. "Cheese, Cheese... HEAR ME, I am ok... the few minutes delay of my email does not portend my death! Cheese! Cheese!"
I don't know if he heard me. Oh my God... the darkness is decreasing. My computer monitor tunnel vision is beginning to dissipate! I'm starting to notice the world outside of the screen. I'm so afraid. What if I get hurt? What if I have to experience life for real, and make real decisions without respawn, how can I make it without spell check? It's getting cold... so cold. Does the HVAC system of the building need the Internet to run? Is it getting stuffy in here? OMG... WTF... I can't breathe!... and my mind, my mind is having to think!!! Help me! Must get to employee kitchen... must reach TV remote... stop self ordering collection of thoughts and reflection... someone start babbling bullshit! Someone start screaming out Spam email subject lines! Scream out Penile Disfunction solutions! Tell me what the University of Phoenix has to offer! Ask me to take a survey... something... anything! Someone do something mindless before it's too late! Please someone, WASTE MY TIME!!!
Thank God! An email from IT... the priests have consulted the oracle... an answer is coming:
"We are diligently working on the matter and will have it resolved soon.
Thank you for your patience."
PATIENCE!? What is that? I don't know what that word means!
And I can't just google it can I??? ahhhhhhhhhh!
Wait. Another email has come in.
WE ARE SAVED!
Oh thank you God. Thank you for the returning the internet's bounty to us.
Thank you for the return of this 1000 mile deep ocean of triviality we lovingly refer to as INTERWEB.
Phew! that was close.
I almost had a cow.